Adoption is Hard - The Long Term Work
Let’s face it, if we could adopt, life went on perfectly and you could just pretend nothing bad has happened in your child’s life, we’d choose that road. But as hard as this is to say, that’s part of your child’s story, and God wrote that in there for a reason. It shouldn’t be shamed upon them, but instead shows your child the testimony of a God who loved them no matter what, was with them always and sent His Son to a cross to redeem them from the brokenness of this world!
One of the hardest things I have found with adoption is your child is a sweet puzzle piece. You need time - to study them, learn them, know them. It is extremely difficult to determine what is their age, their personality, and what is adoption!
So our son has been home coming up on two years, praise the Lord! So going off the topic of ‘long term adoption work’, you may question, is our son now a ‘normal five year old American boy?’
Haha, in so so many ways, yes! He speaks fluent English, has little friends, loves to play, learns like crazy and loves mac & cheese. And with many other five year olds, he has entered school!
Do we still deal with adoption related issues? Yes!
In the adoption world, we use the term ‘triggers.’ We all have things that if we see, or smell, or experience, it may bring us back a specific memory. It’ll take us back to that in that moment, whether good or bad.
For me, certain smells remind me of my grandma’s house. A certain song takes me back to what I clung to when I visited a third world country. A certain perfume takes me back to when I bought it for a special trip.
Now imagine if you’ve had anything traumatic happen in your life. Your triggers may not be so innocent. Anyone who has been adopted has experience trauma. They wouldn’t be put up for adoption if something didn’t go wrong in their family dynamic. Some certainly have endured worse than others.
In our son’s case, we had to be very careful being around Thai speaking people when we first got home because the last time he heard that language, he felt grief. The first time I dropped him off somewhere, he asked if I’d come back. Being left somewhere started a trigger of concern.
So now fast forward two years home in America. He still has triggers! He got very sick earlier this year which sparked a trigger that left him where he had to 100% trust us and couldn’t do anything himself. That vulnerably made him put his guard up, even after living and trusting us for so long. To this day, if someone hurts him, even on accident, he goes straight into ‘fight’ mode to defend himself. And the change of going to school now brought up an anxiety he didn’t even know he had, yet we saw it quickly as he shared story after story about Thailand with us we had never heard.
Two years, we are still walking through it with him. I suspect we will his entire life.
So two things to encourage others in this as you think about the long term work of adoption:
- This is exactly where I want to be. You would never want your child to figure out the hard things on their own. Children need us to guide them through the good and bad in life. And it is a JOY to love him, and help show him the way.
- We are not equipped for this. The above sounds like only biblical counselors should adopt right? They are the only qualified ones to figure out human puzzles. Well, just like the sharing of the Gospel isn’t just for pastors, caring for the orphans is for all Christians! I'll be honest, we have NO IDEA what we are doing, but we are leaning on the one who does, the Lord.
So, in whatever aspect of adoption that makes you feel uncomfortable and not equipped, can I say THIS IS US. And it is WORTH IT!!!
As a sidenote, this is great resource for kids who have endured trauma and how they handle the first week of school. Link Here
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