Will They Remember?
As I’ve shared much about the adoption process lately, I remember back when we were first adopting. I had questions…
So many questions, like what would our child look like, how would they sound, what would life be like when we come back home, and how much will they remember from Thailand (and many more questions). Today, I’m writing for those that have adopted, will my child remember?
Now every child is different, every story is different, so I’m simply sharing ours:
Our son has a crazy, amazing memory (like little details), AND he lived in Thailand for over three years (which is long enough to have plenty of memories). That leads to a great opportunity to learn from him what his life was like before us. BUT, when he came home, he was non-verbal. He could make a few sounds, and kind of say like one or two words TOTAL (which anyone who knows him now may understand why he talks so much :) Catching up on missed time, haha! So teaching him how to speak and communicate - lets just say story telling comes much later in life after first learning how to talk. We weren’t able to start hearing about Thailand from him until almost a year home with him.
We are and were excited to hear about his life before us. - and still have so much to hear. Although we received regular progress reports from our agency on him, we wanted to know what his life was like through his eyes. And as we are learning and seeing, here’s some tips we have done to peel back the curtain to dive into those first years of our son:
Don’t underestimate their ability to remember: When something drastic has happened to us, we tend to remember details better. So although you and I may not have memories when we were one or two years old, when you’ve changed homes, caretakers, etc. you actually remember better because so much change has happened.
Treasure their memories with them: I was making a pile of things for Goodwill, when our son saw a rolling pin in the bin. He sat down and told me all about making bread in Thailand, and he slept with the rolling pin that night. I kept the rolling pin because it sparked a great memory for him that may lead to more memories.
Don’t put words in their mouth: This is what I am most mindful of, especially with young children. I don’t want to tell his story for him, he must tell it. Now sometimes he doesn’t know the right words to describe it, so I’ll give him multiple choice on what maybe happened, but we let him lead the conversation. And when we ask him questions, he usually can go much further into the experience to share with us.
Record it all: For non-birth adoptions, take pictures and video of the home where they grew up. And record as much as you can! When our son looks at pictures, he’s able to tell us a story from the stairs, he showed us the mailbox that I never noticed in a photo, and he tells us about the neighbor house we never recorded by he saw the gate in one picture. Our son’s memories seem scattered at times, and so the videos and pictures help him make sense of the scattered memories.
Good can come from hard times: We have had our son home long enough to see patterns. Change tends to bring about anxiety for adoptees. When our son started school last year, we had no idea he was anxious about it. The night before it started, we were driving home from the fair, and he started telling us about Thailand. And we stayed in the car for over two hours hearing stories we had never heard before. The anxiety was taking him back, and it was amazing to hear him talk so openly and excitedly about it.
Give it time: Needless to say, in an adoption, not all memories are good. So give it time, and let your child lead you on when they are ready to talk about it. We went to a Thai restaurant about a year after being home, and the memories it sparked for our son was too much for him. We noticed and we walked him through it with love. Now, a month ago we went out for Thai food and he walked in as proud as could be because he is Thai and this was his place, haha.
Write it down: Did I mention that most of us will not retain our two year old memories? Well, without help, our kiddos won’t either over time. So write it down. When they start story telling, write it down in a place you won’t forget. I have a notebook for my son where I keep all these memories. And, know your child. We remember his home well and his culture well, and we know him good enough to know when he’s telling us a real memory or a made-up story. Such as, once a Mousekatool shows up in the story, I know we’ve lost him, haha. But if he explains something that seems his culture and his home, we are certain it’s true.
Follow your child’s lead: It’s their story. Don’t give them more than they can handle, and don’t push to know more. Our son goes through seasons where he doesn’t want to talk about Thailand, and he’ll get very upset if he’s exposed to anything Thailand. Then other times he’s curious and wants to see the videos again. Then other times it’s a comfort for him, so even the other night he requested a toy we sent him in Thailand and has had his photo albums by his bedside for several days. Pay attention, and you’ll learn from them as they go on this roller coaster trying to understand their emotions towards things they may not even understand.
We love stories and have loved seeing the fine details of what God was writing in our son years ago. I hope you’ll see that in your child’s life that led them to your family too :)
So many questions, like what would our child look like, how would they sound, what would life be like when we come back home, and how much will they remember from Thailand (and many more questions). Today, I’m writing for those that have adopted, will my child remember?
Now every child is different, every story is different, so I’m simply sharing ours:
Our son has a crazy, amazing memory (like little details), AND he lived in Thailand for over three years (which is long enough to have plenty of memories). That leads to a great opportunity to learn from him what his life was like before us. BUT, when he came home, he was non-verbal. He could make a few sounds, and kind of say like one or two words TOTAL (which anyone who knows him now may understand why he talks so much :) Catching up on missed time, haha! So teaching him how to speak and communicate - lets just say story telling comes much later in life after first learning how to talk. We weren’t able to start hearing about Thailand from him until almost a year home with him.
We are and were excited to hear about his life before us. - and still have so much to hear. Although we received regular progress reports from our agency on him, we wanted to know what his life was like through his eyes. And as we are learning and seeing, here’s some tips we have done to peel back the curtain to dive into those first years of our son:
Don’t underestimate their ability to remember: When something drastic has happened to us, we tend to remember details better. So although you and I may not have memories when we were one or two years old, when you’ve changed homes, caretakers, etc. you actually remember better because so much change has happened.
Treasure their memories with them: I was making a pile of things for Goodwill, when our son saw a rolling pin in the bin. He sat down and told me all about making bread in Thailand, and he slept with the rolling pin that night. I kept the rolling pin because it sparked a great memory for him that may lead to more memories.
Don’t put words in their mouth: This is what I am most mindful of, especially with young children. I don’t want to tell his story for him, he must tell it. Now sometimes he doesn’t know the right words to describe it, so I’ll give him multiple choice on what maybe happened, but we let him lead the conversation. And when we ask him questions, he usually can go much further into the experience to share with us.
Record it all: For non-birth adoptions, take pictures and video of the home where they grew up. And record as much as you can! When our son looks at pictures, he’s able to tell us a story from the stairs, he showed us the mailbox that I never noticed in a photo, and he tells us about the neighbor house we never recorded by he saw the gate in one picture. Our son’s memories seem scattered at times, and so the videos and pictures help him make sense of the scattered memories.
Good can come from hard times: We have had our son home long enough to see patterns. Change tends to bring about anxiety for adoptees. When our son started school last year, we had no idea he was anxious about it. The night before it started, we were driving home from the fair, and he started telling us about Thailand. And we stayed in the car for over two hours hearing stories we had never heard before. The anxiety was taking him back, and it was amazing to hear him talk so openly and excitedly about it.
Give it time: Needless to say, in an adoption, not all memories are good. So give it time, and let your child lead you on when they are ready to talk about it. We went to a Thai restaurant about a year after being home, and the memories it sparked for our son was too much for him. We noticed and we walked him through it with love. Now, a month ago we went out for Thai food and he walked in as proud as could be because he is Thai and this was his place, haha.
Write it down: Did I mention that most of us will not retain our two year old memories? Well, without help, our kiddos won’t either over time. So write it down. When they start story telling, write it down in a place you won’t forget. I have a notebook for my son where I keep all these memories. And, know your child. We remember his home well and his culture well, and we know him good enough to know when he’s telling us a real memory or a made-up story. Such as, once a Mousekatool shows up in the story, I know we’ve lost him, haha. But if he explains something that seems his culture and his home, we are certain it’s true.
Follow your child’s lead: It’s their story. Don’t give them more than they can handle, and don’t push to know more. Our son goes through seasons where he doesn’t want to talk about Thailand, and he’ll get very upset if he’s exposed to anything Thailand. Then other times he’s curious and wants to see the videos again. Then other times it’s a comfort for him, so even the other night he requested a toy we sent him in Thailand and has had his photo albums by his bedside for several days. Pay attention, and you’ll learn from them as they go on this roller coaster trying to understand their emotions towards things they may not even understand.
We love stories and have loved seeing the fine details of what God was writing in our son years ago. I hope you’ll see that in your child’s life that led them to your family too :)
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